Stanley Hung’s wife, Kelcey Bland, was 28 weeks pregnant when their unborn son was given a life-threatening diagnosis — a genetic condition that would cause seizures — nearly two years ago.
The pregnancy was terminated for medical reasons, leaving the B.C. couple heartbroken and wondering what came next.
While Hung said the couple encountered “amazing” health-care workers during and after their pregnancy, he struggled to get so much as a check-in from medical professionals to see how he, as a non-birthing parent, was coping.
“In some ways, it’s understandable since all the medical procedures [were] with my wife, and she’s the one who’s pregnant … though, I think it would have helped if I was acknowledged in the public health care-system too,” he said.
He was left to seek out help on his own, through loved ones and online support groups, which wasn’t always easy. Now, Hung is a board member with Butterfly Run Canada, a non-profit that offers resources and community for parents grieving the loss of a pregnancy or infant and organizes community gatherings for fathers and non-birthing parents in that situation.
According to the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada, 15 to 20 per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Pregnancy loss after that time is defined as a stillbirth, which Statistics Canada estimated occurred in roughly eight out of every 1,000 pregnancies in 2018.
Finding community
Losing his son was a lonely experience, Hung said.
“The first place we went was a coffee shop. You go in there, and families go in there, and you see strollers and other people with living children, and it can be hard,” he said.
“It is important to find your community in the beginning.”
Support for families after a loss can be lacking in general, according to fertility coach Laura Spencer, but men, in particular, often get “overlooked.”
“We need to grow in that awareness around reaching out to men, reaching out to those that aren’t physically going through the pregnancy loss themselves in their bodies,” she said.
She said loved ones should reach out to both parents and offer to talk, bring a meal over, help with chores or even just sit in silence and be physically present.
Hung said all he wanted was for people to listen.
“All I wanted to do was talk about him,” he said.
And while some people wanted to help him out of his grief, offering positive anecdotes or trying to share a laugh, he said it wasn’t working for him.
“It was very hard to find anything positive about Lucas not being with us anymore,” he said.
“I was already sad. There was nothing, very little, that anybody else could say that could make me more sad unless you’re intentionally doing it.”
It wasn’t until Hung found a U.S.-based group called the Sad Dads Club, which runs weekly virtual meetings, that he felt he had truly found a sense of community and understanding.
“I can quite literally say that this group of men saved my life,” Hung said.
International Bereaved Fathers Day
Now, he’s helped organize gatherings with other fathers who have lost pregnancies, infants and children, including some events on Aug. 25.
The last Sunday in August marks International Bereaved Fathers Day, a day of remembrance, love and community for dads who have experienced the loss of a child.
To honour the day, Hung and Butterfly Run are hosting a fundraiser breakfast in downtown Vancouver. Hung has also planned a dinner for bereaved fathers, for which registration is required. However, he said he organizes dinners for dads every couple of months.
Runs are planned in several B.C. communities for Oct. 5 to raise money for Butterfly Run Canada and awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.
“For anyone who is experiencing this, let them know they’re not alone,” Hung said.
The Early Edition8:57Why this father is marking bereaved father’s day on August 25
After Stanley Hung and his wife lost a pregnancy in 2022, he found there were few supports readily available for himself as a greiving father. Now, he’s working with Butterfly Run Canada and helping others going through similar tragedies.