Move over, Hallmark; Netflix is getting festive.
While Hallmark’s cable channel used to have the market cornered on Christmas-themed romance, the past few years has seen Netflix double down on mirth and merry. Some seasonal selections new to the streamer this year include Hot Frosty, The Merry Gentlemen and Our Little Secret.
So which of these, if any, are worth watching while you sip your eggnog? We checked out all three to find out whether they’re naughty or nice.
The Merry Gentlemen
A bizarre mix of wholesome and steamy, The Merry Gentlemen follows the Hallmark holiday movie playbook to the point of parody. The story begins with Britt Robertson as Ashley, a Broadway star shocked to find herself aging out of her place in the beloved Jingle Bells Broadway chorus line. The only upside is she finally has time to go home to Sycamore Creek for the holidays.
Ashley arrives in the small town to find her parents trying to keep The Rhythm Room — the neighbourhood watering hole and once-legendary music spot — from closing. Their landlord is drowning in debt and threatening to replace the tavern with a (gasp) juice bar. In a logic-defying turn, Ashley decides the only way to bring back the crowds and revenue is by turning the bar into a male strip club. But where to find dancers?
Fortunately, Ashley literally bumps into Luke — the requisite hunky handyman — on the way into the bar.
Chad Michael Murray brings John Schneider vibes to the party as the all-too-easy-going contractor who goes from fixing leaky faucets to dancing in a performance that looks like Stomp with extra sleigh bells. Joining him on stage are Troy, the bland bartender with abs aplenty, Rodger who is Ashley’s sister’s husband, a random cab driver who likes to bust a move and Danny, whose entire personality is just: barfly in a porkpie hat. I don’t think these Dollarama dancers will be giving Magic Mike a run for his money anytime soon.
At this point, it would be germane to point out co-writers Jeffery Schenck and Peter Sullivan are Hallmark veterans, which may explain why Luke calls Ashley “city girl” and why the story displays a stunning lack of self-awareness. For a film made in 2024, The Merry Gentlemen treats shirtless men grinding to EDM remixes of The Nutcracker Suite as the height of erotic entertainment. While the two leads manage to generate some sparks, the manufactured last-minute crisis feels as artificial as the fake snow that lines the streets of Sycamore Creek.
Rating: 2.5/5 candy canes
Our Little Secret
The Lindsay Lohanaissance continues with this holiday-themed story of a former couple forced to hide their history. Lohan plays Avery, who was once friends with and then romantically intertwined to Logan (Ian Harding). After an unsuccessful and humiliating proposal and their inevitable break-up, a montage whisks us through a decade of global events which bizarrely manages to squeeze in plugs for not one, but three separate Netflix shows.
In present day, Logan and Avery bump into each other at a family gathering where they learn their respective partners are brother and sister. Cue the shenanigans as the frenemies try to cover up their past.
Our Little Secret has a couple stumbling blocks, the first being the weak premise where Avery decided to deny her connection to Logan for fear of upsetting her boyfriend’s judgmental mother (played by Kristin Chenoweth, whose talent is wasted here). Such a premise depends on there being some kind of residual romantic connection for Lohan and Harding to play up. But this couple is more passive aggressive than passionate. Superficially, Harding may have a kind of Adam Brody-adjacent appeal, but all he’s serving is smug and sulky.
In addition to the anemic attraction, Our Little Secret revolves around Logan having to submit a business proposal that is due on Christmas Eve, another manufactured plot point. While I will give Canadian screenwriter Hailey DeDominicis credit for raising the stakes with the absurd but entertaining Christmas climax, Our Little Secret belongs on the naughty list for romantic spice that’s about as enticing as old fruitcake.
Rating: 2/5 candy canes
Hot Frosty
In the small town (is there any other kind?) of Hot Springs, we find local restaurateur Kathy, played by Hallmark movie queen Lacey Chabert, who runs the local diner and yet has time enough to drop off sandwiches to all the neighbours. Kathy is also a widow, and her house has been falling apart ever since her husband died.
But everything changes one night when Kathy places a special scarf on a particularly buff-looking snowman and Jack the snowbro (played by Schitt’s Creek regular Dustin Milligan) springs to life. First appearing naked with a strategically placed scarf, Jack is soon creating all sorts of chaos. Old people fall over in the snow! A window is smashed! A jumpsuit is taken!
Hot on the trail of this not-so-abominable snowman are Craig Robinson as Sheriff Hunter and Joe Lo Truglio as his deputy, Schatz. Robinson and Truglio, who you may remember from Hot Tub Time Machine and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, respectively, are a good match, with the dimwit deputy amiably helping Jack while Sheriff Hunter pledges to end the crime spree.
Now let’s be clear: the concept of a human snowman, who’s been alive for maybe a week, is ridiculous. This is a rom-com about a man still learning to put on clothes, who eats ice to stay cool and who learned everything about humanity from watching a few hours of television. And the result is a character who’s a little bit of Pinocchio and a little bit of Encino Man.
What keeps the film from melting into pure mush is the endearingly goofy tone and willingness of the cast to embrace it. Milligan gives us a delightful doofus who charms with his earnestness. There’s not many actors who can sell a line like “What’s cancer?” but Milligan strikes the balance between himbo and heartwarming. But the film’s foundation is Chabert as Kathy, smiling through the chaos with a screwball sense of whimsy.
Rating: 3.5/5 candy canes
When it comes to Netflix’s Christmas-themed romantic comedies, CBC’s Eli Glasner says you can forgive a ridiculous premise, like Hot Frosty (3.5 stars/5), but an extreme lack of chemistry, as in Our Little Secret (2 stars/5), will land you on the naughty list.