The Dose25:27How can women have better sex?
Sex isn’t always easy to talk about. And for women who have difficulties with orgasm and libido, it can be complicated if they haven’t learned much about their genitals, or explored what turns them on. Lori Brotto, a professor and Canada Research Chair in women’s sexual health at the University of British Columbia, says better sex starts with education and communication.
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Sex researcher Natalie Rosen says there are lots of reasons why women can find sex unenjoyable — it can be painful, lack lubrication, or not match their specific desires and preferences.
Research from British condom manufacturer Durex revealed that only 24 per cent of women orgasm every time they have sex versus 61 per cent of men. And Rosen’s own research found that roughly 16 per cent of women experience pain during sex.
“[There’s] not enough clitoral stimulation, or stimulation in the way that they enjoy,” said Rosen, a psychology professor at Dalhousie University.
Here’s what Rosen and two other sex experts say women can do to improve their sex lives.
Improved sexual pleasure needs a broader definition of sex
Sophie Bergeron, a sex researcher at the University of Montreal, says she finds people can operate with a narrow definition of sex.
“For something to be ‘sex,’ there doesn’t need to be an orgasm.… There doesn’t need to be any kind of vaginal or anal penetration,” said Bergeron, the Canada Research Chair in Intimate Relationships and Sexual Well-being.
Sex can be any behaviour that someone finds arousing and desirable, Rosen says.
“For some people, that could include genital touching and, for some people … deep kissing can feel really sensual and arousing and desirable, without any genitals involved,” she said.
Oral sex, genital caressing and mutual masturbation can all count as sex, she says.
“It could contribute to sexual pleasure to broaden our definitions of what sex is.”
Understanding sexual arousal, desire can help your sex life
Lori Brotto, an obstetrics and gynecology professor at the University of British Columbia, says she often finds women conflate sexual arousal with sexual desire. Arousal is often physical, while desire tends to be psychological.
When women are sexually aroused, blood flows to the genitals, causing the vulva and clitoris to become engorged. The vagina and vaginal lips might also become wet with a clear fluid.
“It’s the body somewhat preparing itself for potential sexual activity,” said Brotto, who also holds the Canada Research Chair in Women’s Sexual Health.
The clitoris has roughly 10,000 nerve endings — more than the vagina itself and significantly more than almost 8,000 found in the glans of the penis — and Brotto says anatomical studies have confirmed that the clitoris is the only part of a woman’s anatomy that exists solely for orgasm.
Touching, rubbing and licking an aroused clitoris can be pleasurable and can lead to orgasm, but Brotto says she’s spoken to women whose partners are too focused on clitoral stimulation.
“Stimulation of an unaroused clitoris can actually be painful,” she said.
Likewise, attempting to penetrate an unaroused vagina can also be painful.
Desire related to arousal
While arousal is primarily felt in the body, desire refers to thoughts and feelings in the mind.
“It’s really important that we ask about both [arousal and desire], because they can be in misalignment,” said Brotto.
In newer relationships or more casual sexual encounters, women tend to experience desire followed by arousal, according to Brotto. However, she says women in longer-term relationships tend to experience the inverse.
Brotto says scheduling sex can help make it more enjoyable for some, especially in longer-term relationships.
“Planned sexual activity gives a person an opportunity to arrange the context, to maybe fantasize about it, to be very intentional about what barriers can be removed, what facilitators can be put into place,” she said.
“And that’s quite the opposite of being clinical and boring.”
How to explore turn-ons and turn-offs
Rosen says women can explore what turns them on by learning more about their bodies and their desires.
Women should set aside time for body exploration exercises, and by looking at their genitals with a mirror, Brotto says.
“It’s not about producing pleasure or orgasm — it really is about trying to understand, ‘How do these particular touches lead to certain kinds of sensations?'” she said.
Rosen recommends resources like OMGYES.com, as well as the books of sex educator Emily Nagoski.
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“They can also speak to their doctor … who might be able to do sort of an educational exam,” said Rosen.
Brotto says embracing mindfulness can also help activate desire, encouraging women to focus on the moment while having sex.
“Imagine an exercise in which the person is guided to pay attention to different sensations in their body,” she said.
“Maybe they start with the toes, notice places of tension, notice temperature, texture, the feeling of the toes against the sock or the floor.”
How to talk to your partner about sex
Women looking to encourage their own sexual desires should begin by having conversations with their partners about why they want to have sex in the first place, Bergeron says.
A 2024 study found that “sexual communication mediated the link between emotion regulation abilities and female sexual functioning.”
Simply put, researchers noted that study participants reported lower levels of sexual function — things like desire, arousal and orgasm — when they also reported lower levels of sexual communication.
Brotto clarifies that couples don’t have to know specific terminology related to their bodies when talking to their partners. Instead, they should simply try to have a conversation about sex in order to normalize sexual desire.
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Additionally, encouraging sexual desire through positive motivation — like celebration, closeness and wanting to feel pleasure — is better than using sex to avoid conflict or channel frustration.
Instead, she recommends scheduling time to prioritize the conversation as a way of prioritizing sexual health, while also focusing on talking about the experience of sex rather than things like performance or orgasm.